Sabbat Martyr

It’s been a while…

Last week I was bitching to friends and the like about how I’d like to be published in a mainstream magazine. I know, I know, I was published twice recently in top shelf mags. But for some bizarre reason, I’d really like to be in a mainstream mag. So I finally plucked up the courage after about a year of wanting to, to send in my pics to Front magazine. You see, Front is a mag I’ve read for a while now. It’s the only men’s mag I feel I can relate to. The others a full of third division footballers wives saying pointless shit about how horny they are. Fuck off ladies, we are all fucking horny and we all like sex, say something fucking daring for once.

Well, this is the sort of girls Front have. The sort of girls who are fit but also outspoken and interesting. That sort of shit gets me off, feisty girls. But I never dare submit my pics to them for fear of being laughed at or something haha. How fucked up is that, I’ll get naked and gangbang six girls but I won’t send my pics to a topless mag.

I digress, I sent the pics, 2 hours passed, they called, I screamed and bounced around the room a lot. The shoot was on hallowe’en, which was the next day. I went and had the time of my life. Glamour shoots are different to porn shoots. People talk about normal stuff and aren’t weird. Haha. What I mean is, on a porn shoot, one member of the team is guaranteed to be the definition of weird pervert and all everyone talks about is ‘the industry’. Oh the fucking boring fucking industry. Can’t we talk about something else?? Haha. Talking about ‘the industry’ makes it like work. now, I’m ruining the image of what a porn shoot is like, but for anyone who has ever attended one, they will tell you the last thing anyone is interested in is the actual sex. You get sort of numb to it, like it’s normal.

I think that’s why pornstars tend to be into fucked up sex, because normal sex is normal. But yeah, Front, I’m pretty stoked and can’t wait to see the pics.


I’ve been thinking a lot about my sexuality recently. When I was a kid, I never really knew what to think about it. My female friends were all into guys, but I was into guys who looked like girls or girls in general. I remember asking my mom if it was normal for girls to like girls and she told me that some girls do. I’m making this sound so very clear cut when it’s not. I myself never felt like I had an assured gender identity. I was never ones of the girls or one of the boys. Rather I was a sort of mixture of the two. I guess I was and still am androgynous in a way. And androgyny was what I was attracted to.

People are always willing to put labels on such thoughts, feelings and desires because it’s easier for them if they can categorise you. Even now when I go to the STI clinic to have my certs done, there is a box for sexuality and it has the following categories, gay, straight, bi, other. I always tick other.

For years when people asked me about my sexuality, I’d say ‘I don’t know’ so they’d assume I meant I was bisexual, but I’m not. I was reading an article recently about someone who said they were pansexual. I wikipedia’d the terms and apparently it is used to describe someone whose sexuality is not discriminate to specific gender ideals. Ie. Someone who is bisexual can generally be described as being attracted to men and women. Whereas someone who is pansexual can’t really be described definitely at all. The wiki definition is..

Pansexuality, anthrosexuality (anthro- literally meaning human, human sexual), or omnisexuality[1] is a sexual orientation characterized by the potential for aesthetic attraction, romantic love, or sexual desire for people, regardless of their gender identity or biological sex. Thus, pansexuality includes potential attraction to people who do not fit into the gender binary of male/female. Some pansexuals suggest that they are gender-blind; that gender and sex are insignificant or irrelevant in determining whether they will be sexually attracted to others.

So, for the first time in my life, I have a label. A label I can’t describe, just like my sexuality, so I guess that’s sort of fitting in a way.
I have four days to myself this week and I spent the first one with Lulu. He came round and I made pasta and we watched scary films. First Evil Dead 2, then Hellraiser, I do love my scary films. They aren’t even scary, they are just fun I think. And I do LOVE the lead cenobite Pinhead from Hellraiser. After that, we talked into the early hours, I think it was about 7am whilst we ate Pringles. I was meant to go pick up my certs at 11 but I called them off until Thursday. Myself and Lulu have such a bad habit of having huge emo conversations about being depressed and cutting ourselves haha. It’s good for the soul I guess, we should stop being teenagers.

I think about wraps it up for now. Tea, fun, warm.

x x